导读：巴金最后一篇抒情散文 《怀念曹禺》 一 家宝逝世后，我给李玉茹、万方发了个电报：“请不要悲痛，家宝并没有去，他永远活在观众和读者的心中！”话很平常，不能表达我的痛苦，我想多说一点，可颤抖的手捏不住小小的笔，许许多多的话和着眼泪咽进了肚里
巴金最后一篇抒情散文
《怀念曹禺》
一
家宝逝世后，我给李玉茹、万方发了个电报：“请不要悲痛，家宝并没有去，他永远活在观众和读者的心中！”话很平常，不能表达我的痛苦，我想多说一点，可颤抖的手捏不住小小的笔，许许多多的话和着眼泪咽进了肚里。
躺在病床上，我经常想起家宝，往事历历在目。
北平三座门大街14号南屋，故事从这里开始。靳以把家宝的一部稿子交给我看，那时家宝还是清华大学的一名学生。在南屋客厅旁那间用蓝纸糊壁的阴暗小屋里，我一口气读完了数百页的原稿。一幕人生的大悲剧在我面前展开，我被深深地震动了！就像从前看托尔斯泰的小说《复活》一样，剧本抓住了我的灵魂，我为它落了泪。我曾这样描述过我当时的心情：“不错，我流过泪，但是落泪之后我感到一阵舒畅，而且我还感到一种渴望，一种力量在身内产生了，我想做一件事情，一件帮助人的事情，我想找个机会不自私地献出我的精力。《雷雨》是这样感动我。”不多久，《文学季刊》破例一期全文刊载了《雷雨》，引起广大读者的注意！
1940年，我从上海到昆明，知道家宝已经迁至江安，我去看他。我在江安待了6天，住在家宝家的小楼里。我们隔了一张写字台对面坐着，谈了许多事情，交出了彼此的心。那时他处在创作旺盛时期，接连写出了《蜕变》、《北京人》，我们谈起正在上海上演的《家》（由吴天改编、上海剧艺社演出），他表示他也想改编。我鼓励他试一试。他有他的《家》，他有他个人的情感，他完全可以写一部他的《家》。1942年，在泊在重庆附近的一条江轮上，家宝开始写他的《家》。整整一个夏天，他写出了他所有的爱和痛苦。那些充满 *** 的优美台词，是从他心底深处流淌出来的，那里面有他的爱，有他的恨，有他的眼泪，有他的灵魂的呼号。他为自己的真实感情奋斗。我在桂林读完他的手稿，不能不赞叹他的才华，他是一位真正的艺术家！我当时就想写封信给他，希望他把心灵中的宝贝都掏出来，可这封信一拖就是很多年，直到1978年，我才把我心里想说的话告诉他。但这时他已经满身创伤，我也伤痕遍体了。
二
1966年，我和他都进了“牛棚”。等到我们再见面，已是12年后了。我失去了萧珊，他失去了方瑞，两个多么善良的人！
在难熬的痛苦长夜，我也想念过家宝，不知他怎么挨过这段艰难的日子，我很为他担心。可我们终于还是挺过来了，相见时没有大悲大喜，几句简简单单的话便说尽了千言万语。我们都想向前看，甚至来不及抚平身上的伤痕，就急着要把失去的时间追回来。我有不少东西准备写，他也有许多创作计划。我至今怀念那些日子：我们两人一起游豫园，走累了便在湖心亭喝茶，到老饭店吃“糟钵头”，随心所欲地闲聊。那时我们头上还没有太多头衔，身边也少有干扰，脚步似乎还算轻松，我们总以为我们还能做许多事情，那感觉就好像是又回到了30年代北平三座门大街。
但是，我们毕竟老了。被损坏的机体不可能再回复到原貌。眼看着精力一点一点从我们身上消失，病魔又缠住了我们，笔在我们手里一天天重起来，那些美好的计划越来越遥远，最终成了不可触摸的梦。我住进了医院，不久，家宝也离不开医院了。起初我们还有机会住在同一家医院，每天一起在走廊上散步，在病房里倾谈往事。我说话有气无力，他耳朵更加聋了，我用力大声说，他还是听不明白，结果常常是各说各的。但就是这样，我们仍然了解彼此的心。
我的身体越来越差，他的病情也加重了。我去不了北京，他无法来上海，见面成了奢望，我们只能靠通信互相问好。1993年，一些热心的朋友想创造条件让我们在杭州会面，我期待着这次聚会，结果因医生不同意，家宝没能成行。这年的中秋之夜，我在杭州和他通了 *** ，我清清楚楚地听到他的声音，还是那么响亮，中气十足。我说：“我们共有一个月亮。”他说：“我们共吃一个月饼。”这是我最后一次听到他的声音。
三
我和家宝都在与疾病斗争。我相信我们还有时间。家宝小我6岁，他会活得比我长久。我太自信了。我心里的一些话，本来都可以讲出来，他不能到杭州，我可以争取去北京，可以和他见一面，和他话别。
消息来得太突然。一屋子严肃的面容，让我透不过气。我无法思索，无法开口，大家说了很多安慰的话，可我脑子里却是一片空白。我不能接受这个事实，前些天北京来的友人还告诉我，家宝健康有好转。仅仅只过了几天！李玉茹在 *** 里说，家宝走得很安详，是在睡梦中平静地离去的。那么他是真的走了。
许多年前，家宝在给我的一封信中，写了这样的话：“我要死在你的前面，让痛苦留给你……”我想，他把痛苦留给了他的朋友，留给了所有爱他的人，带走了他心灵中的宝贝，他真能走得那样安详吗？
"Fondly remembers Cao Yu " one after family treasure death, I gave Li Yuru, Wan Fang to send a telegram: “please do not be sorrowful, the family treasure has not gone, he forever lives in the audience and in reader's heart!”The words are very ordinary, cannot express my pain, I want to say a spot, may shiver the hand cannot press firmly between the fingers the *** all pen, many words and the tear was swallowing in the stomach lies down on the hospital bed, I remember the family treasure frequently, the past events come clearly into view the Peking three gate avenue 14th room with a northern exposure, the story starts from here Jin Yi gives a family treasure draft I to look, at that time family treasure or a Tsinghua University's student That between sticks in wall's gloomy hut nearby the room with a northern exposure living room with the blue paper, my one breath has read off several hundred pages of original manuscripts A life's big tragedy launches in front of me, I by deep sei *** ic motion! Looked like formerly looked that Tolstoi's novel "Reactivating" was the same, the script has held my soul, I fell the tear for it I once like this had described my mood then: “good, I have burst into tears, but after crying, I feel a happiness, moreover I also felt that one kind of hope, one strength has produced in the body, I want to handle a matter, helps person's matter, I want to look for an opportunity to give my energy not selfishly "Thunderstorm" is moves me like this”Soon, "Literature Quarterly publication" made an exception an issue of full text to print "Thunderstorm", brought to reading public's attention!
in 1940, I from Shanghai to Kunming, knew that the family treasure already moved to Jiangan, I look at him I have treated for 6 days in Jiangan, lives in family treasure young Lou We separated a writing desk opposite to sit, discussed many matters, have handed over each other's heart He occupied the creation exuberant time at that time, has written "Transformation" one after another, "Person from Beijing", we mention Shanghai to perform "Family" (reorganize, Shanghai play skill society performance by Wu Tian), he expressed that he also wants to reorganize I encourage him to try He has him "Family", he has his emotion, he definitely may write him "Family" in 1942, in anchored on a Chongqing's river steamer, the family treasure started to write him "Family" Entire one summer, he has written his all loves with the pain These enthusiastic exquisite lines, are come out from his moral nature deep place flow, inside that has his love, has his hate, has his tear, has his soul call letter He for own real sentimental struggle I read off his draft manuscript in Guilin, has no alternative but to acclaim his talent, he is a genuine artist! I at that time wanted to write a letter for him, hoped that he pulls out the mind in treasure, as soon as but this letter tows is many years, until 1978, I only then at heart wanted to say me the words told him But by now he already whole body wound, my also scar all over the body
二
in 1966, I and he have entered “the cowshed” When we meet again, already is 12 years later I have lost Xiao Shan, he has lost side Switzerland, two how good people! in the unendurable painful endless night, I has also thought of the family treasure, did not know how he does endure this difficult days, I worried very much for him But we finally very have come, meets when the greatly sad great happiness, several simple words then have not spoken the countless words We want to look forward, even caresses the scar which without enough time straightens up after bowing or performing the kowtow, anxiously must the time which loses pursue I have many things to prepare to write, he also has many creation plans I fondly remember until now these days: Our You Yuyuan, walked until tired together has then drunk tea in the mid-lake pavilion, ate “the bad earthenware bowl” to the old hotel, had one's wish chats On our did not have too many titles, the side also unusually to disturb at that time, the footsteps as if also calculate with ease, we always thought that we can also handle many matters, that feeling probably returned to the 30s Peking three gate avenues
But, we were old Organi *** which damages is been impossible to reply the original condition again Was seeing the energy bit by bit vanishes from our body, illness has tied down us, the pen is day-by-day heavy in our hand, these happy plans are getting more and more remote, has become the dream which finally cannot be touched I have been admitted to the hospital, soon, the family treasure could also not leave the hospital At first we also have the opportunity to live in the identical hospital, every day takes a walk together on the corridor, in hospital ward having a heart-to-heart talk past events I speak worn out, his ear deafer, I made an effort to say loudly, he did not understand what is heard, the result was frequently says respectively each But is this, we still understood each other's heart
My body is getting more and more bad, his condition also aggravated I could not go to Beijing, he was unable Shanghai, met the wild hope, we only could depend on the correspondence to give regards mutually in 1993, some warm-hearted friends wanted to create the condition to let us meet with in Hangzhou, I was anticipating this meeting, because finally doctor did not agree, the family treasure has not been able to form a line This year's night of Mid-Autumn Festival, I and he telephoned in Hangzhou, I hear his sound clearly, is that resounding, is mad fully I said: “we altogether have a moon”He said: “we altogether eat a moon cake”This is I last time hears his sound
三
I and the family treasure am struggling with disease I believed that we also have the time The family treasure empirical ego 6 years old, he will live is long-time than me I was too self-confident My some words at heart, may say originally, he cannot arrive at Hangzhou, I may strive for Beijing, one side may see with him, bids goodbye with him
The news comes too suddenly Room serious facial features, let me not be able to ventilate I am unable to think deeply about, am unable the aperture, everybody spoke many comfort words, but in my brain is actually a blank I cannot accept this fact, in the past few days Beijing came the friend also told me, the family treasure health had the change for the better Only crossed merely for several days! Li Yuru said in the telephone that the family treasure walks very much serenely, is departs tranquilly in the sleep Then he is really walked many years ago, the family treasure in gives in my letter, has written such words: “I must die in yours front, lets the pain leave you ” I to think, he has left the pain his friend, left all has loved him the person, has carried off in his mind treasure, he could walk such really serenely
